apr 26

There is great freedom in that innit?
I'm tired. Intrusive thoughts. Feelings of failure and decay.

baby steps baby steps baby steps baby ste-

breathe.

feelings of stagnation. fear of failure. fear of change. fear of the future. anxiety. anxiety...

i have this feeling that im too old to be this way, feel this way. be this stuck.
Intrusive thoughts.

Screaming into the void. It kind of helps

mar 26

Hi. It would be so cool to get rid of that underlying despair that is gender dysphoria. I am here to rant about it to alleviate some stress, but also to recap my own plans and schedules of taking action towards a happier future. That is what it is, is it not. Transitioning. The word still sounds strange to me, can you believe it? I sit here, a grown ass human, who knew they were not cis for the past decade, longer even. And I still dont think of it that way.

Okay, small recap. All I want (for Christmas ♪) is to get top surgery. Chop chop snip snip. Boobies in the bin. But in order for me to get there I must take T, according to my beloved insurance. However, the queer little weirdo I am, I do not want T. At least not like the insurance wants me to want T. I am a bad transman. Because I am no man.

Dude that has thrown me for such a loop for years. Am I a man? Sure, strangers referring to me as "he" gives me a smile that lasts a few days. In a relationship I am referred to as boyfriend. But the thought of constantly being regarded as a man, being put into that cage of masculinity that society has constructed, that sounds just as suffocating as being referred to as "she".

But isnt all of that a construct anyway? Just something people came up with, why should I conform to it, why support and play into it? I dont know. There is something very comforting about it too. Something safe. I just wish there was a third category that I could slip into officially so I would never have to explain my existence again. I understand that there is some of that, at least in queer spaces etc. There is deconstruction happening. Freedom, rebuilding.

But my life is not like that unfortunately. The people around me are straight, cis. And they are good people. But explaining these concepts? Exhausting. Draining. Getting them to understand? Getting them to support? It was work, hard work, and its finicky support. How the fuck am I supposed to do that with everything else? Hobbies, activities, work, school? I wont. Its wayyy too much work. Too much vulnerability. A lot of the time gender doesnt fucking matter. A lot of the time my skin is thick enough to be able to stomach it all, none of them have ill intentions. There just isnt the words for it there. The education. Its all good and dandy for them, but me? I feel so fucking disconnected, isolated. Exhausted. Drained. But no more. This cannot continue. It cannot continue like this. Change must come. Will come. There must be change. There is no alternative.

Okay, breathe.

The question remains, what makes a man a man? The age old question that not even patriarchy can answer when you put it on the spot. But insurances sure can answer it for you. Apparently taking T for 6-24 months and reaching a threshold of T levels in your blood is what makes you a man. Alas I am not one. I have thought about this so hard. Like fuck, man. Im so tired of it all. The fun part is that I can totally see myself taking T, but small doses. No thresholds in sight. Just a bit, some fat redistribution. Some tiny voice changes. More results when working out. Am I a trans man in denial? But then why do I get so miserable when I think about the big T doses? When I think about top surgery there are no questionmarks in my head. It is a loud and enthusiastically screamed "YES!". So therefore, maybe, I am just a sad enby. And unfortunately enbys dont exist in the eyes of insurance.

TL,DR: I am the wrong kind of trans, according to insurance

So the only thing left to do is save save save money and finance it all myself. Not being a struggling college student anymore sure as fuck will help. A few more months. Then we can start.

mar 26

Alright, so, today during my brain afk mode time, I was just thinking that I should not upload this site (the blog part, I made it two days ago but have yet to upload it) or the last entry. Why am I like this? Like this whole site has the sole purpose of being mine. There are no expectations attached to this. I could literally post a picture of cat archeology (litter box cleaning) for no other reason than that I can. And it would be okay. It would probably be some kind of funny.

Why do I feel like even my own thoughts aren't worth anyone else's time. Sure, not every thought needs an audience. This isn't a social media site. But I spent so much time on this blog thing. I made a container for quotes and everything. Why dismiss that? Why question my own work? My worth? No more. Here it is. Silly little blog thing that will either receive barely any entries or wayyy too many. Time will tell. Either way, that will be okay. That is what this is here for. Thank you for reading if you made it this far ♥

mar 26

There is this German song that goes: Which translates to: I cant get the lyrics out of my head, not because I like the song, or because the tune is that catchy, though it is. It has been a challenge recently to differentiate between reality and perception. Not on a grand scale of delusion, just on the small scale of depression.

The age old enemy, always crawling back out of the shadows while you glance in a different direction. It ambushes you, with such subtle little thoughts that accumulate over weeks, hard to catch. Then suddenly your line of thought ends with the rational conclusion that you should really just stop existing. To word it mildly. But it is the wakeup call. The "oh shit, here we go again". The "Hold on, that is not a rational conclusion". The "Okay, let's stop and admit that we are not okay. Again. Damnit."

Hi, I'm tired. Time to roll out the self care, the attention exercises, the meditation, the crying in the car. I really feel like I cant do shit. But its not true. It's just a feeling. A perception, not a reality. Comparison really is the thief of joy. But goodness, it sucks when you dont function like other people. I swear it's just all in my head too, the "things should not be that way" the "I should be different". Just constantly nagging at myself. I would never do that to a friend. Why am I doing it to myself? What if, hear me out, what if we just accept ourselves for what we are? What a brand new and radical thought. Sometimes you need little reminders for the most basic things, when your brain chemistry is your most dedicated enemy. Exhausting. But its okay.

Baby steps.
Doing the best you can with the means you are given. We bounce back. Each time a little faster than before. Hopefully. Yes. We can manage anything, just in our own time. That is it. The rational conclusion:
Hope.